Two & Deux

On the second anniversary of my spinal fusion and laminectomy I found myself back in NYC for the preop appointments for Surgery Deux.

It is a wild process - it's a constant back and forth of moments of joy and gratitude to shame and annoyance.

So we'll start with Joy and Gratitude:

1. The simple fact I have health insurance that allows me to receive excellent care at HSS.
• But I have already felt my insurance tightening its processes and authorizations, everything is questioned and I have to have a phone call for each test or procedure to justify the need, then they authorize it, and then they send a letter to let you know that even though they authorized the test / procedure they don't know how much they'll cover and how much I'll have to cover.  I imagine it will only get more difficult in the future.
2. That we are able to go back and forth to HSS, we have to make sacrifices in other places, but we are able to make it work.
3. Our support system.  My parents stayed at the house with M and the kitties while we were gone.  My neighbor said they were there if they needed anything.  Our friends who check in on us and M's friends who check in on her.  
4. My health!  Other than my spine.  Included in the preop appointments is a slew of tests to determine if you are in good enough health to undergo such an intense surgery and I am.  All of my lab work had good results.
• Also they were able to find a vein on the first try, which rarely happens.
• Also they took my blood pressure with a manual cuff and the results were fabulous.
5. Time with B.  The trip was really quick but it was nice to find time to laugh, have new experiences, and find happiness in small things and interactions.
6. On this trip I discovered a way to remove negative thoughts or stressors, when I started to replay a situation in my mind or over think something I imagined it as a piece of paper, crumpled it up and tossed it away.  It actually worked...I don't know if it is the best method...but it helped me focus on what I needed to.
7. New parking garage at New Carrollton - caused a little confusion in the beginning, but much easier and more accessible than the old garage and the accessible spots in the kiss and ride.
8. We had plenty of time to get to the train station and usually it feels like we barely make it.
• Our train broke down over the Gunpowder River for 30 minutes, it was a little weird and worrisome but it was nice to look over the water, watch people fishing, look at the pretty houses and the birds.
9. Friendly familiar faces in the HSS neighborhood that remember us and we remember them.
10. Found a great new restaurant that was delicious and reasonable with a great vibe.
• The gnocchi brought tears to my eyes.
11. Going through this the second time was much easier.  Last time I wasn't sure what to expect and I was feeling guilty and left out...I think I cried in every appointment.  This time I got a little teary when saying goodbye to B but that was it.  I feel ready and confident in myself and my care team.
12. My care team has grown and stayed the same.  It was nice as my medical doctor was the same one from last time and my pre anesthesia consult.  I also met the second surgeon and I learned that he and my primary surgeon both just attended the LPA conference.  I'm glad my surgeon is bringing more people to the table, the more people that know the nuances of skeletal dysplasia and operating on skeletal dysplasia the better.  The nurses and support staff are wonderful as well.
13. That B is able to have his adventures around the city while I am on mine at HSS.
14. The relief and comfort of returning home - simply the best.

Shame & Annoyance:

1. I still wrestle with guilt and shame that we're even in this position, could I have done anything to prevent this?
2. We could have gone on a proper vacation if I didn't have to do this.
3. I am so so slow, sorry native New Yorkers walking behind or around me.
4. I was so hot and sweaty and gross...the whole time.
5. I had to take my clothes off and put them back on so many times on Friday.  It got to the point I was tempted to walk around the hospital in a hospital gown instead of putting my clothes back on.
6. Again B got me a sandwich to take with me, but there's never a time or place to eat and I just have to come to terms with that.
7. I had a great day of appointments, two days of intense activity, and while walking on the train platform to go home my leg gave out and I fell.  I was fine.  It was nasty thinking about everything that I touched while falling, but yay for hand sanitizer.
8. New Carrollton train platform on the way home.  Ever since we have been traveling to NYC on the train home they tell us we have to switch cars (walk) because the train can only unload certain cars at this platform.  Sometimes Red Cap at Moynihan will seat you in the car they know the train can stop at New Carrollton, but sometimes they don't.  The stretch between BWI and New Carrollton is really fast and bumpy and I have given up on trying to walk to another car while the train is in motion as I have fallen doing this.  This time they held the train longer at BWI so I could walk to the right car while the train was stopped.  I asked one of the gentlemen on the train when the platform will be fixed and he said it is a fight between the state of Maryland and Amtrak, they started construction on the project 3 years ago (!!!) but neither wants to pay for it, so that's that.  As much as that process stresses me out, finding a new station may stress me out more.

Looking at the lists above, there is more good than bad.  I am ready to lock in and get some projects done around the house, get myself into better shape and get M ready to go back to school.