Since my mid thirties tears come easily and freely for me. I can cry whether I'm happy, sad, overwhelmed, whatever it may be...I can probably cry on command.
Going through the renovations to my body and our home, the tears have continued to come easily and freely especially the closer I get to surgery.
This week I was in the office for the last time before surgery with my team and as they offered words of encouragement, I cried. I went to the bathroom to compose myself then ran into the kindest soul who continued the encouragement and I cried again. The tears kept flowing until I had a meeting with someone outside of my organization and I pulled myself together, but left immediately after the meeting was done.
Wednesday was M's birthday and we happened to be in NYC as I had my appointments to be cleared for surgery. My in-laws were with us this time and we made the most of it. We went up Tuesday and had a fun afternoon / evening, the next day I was booked with appointments and they were out exploring.
The first appointment was an MRI and it went smoothly...thankfully I don't have as much anxiety around them now. There was a changing and waiting area then the technician came to get me and accompanied me to my "machine". We walked through a bay of MRI technicians monitoring scans, and each MRI had at least two technicians at it. Once I got to my "machine" there was a stool to help me onto the bed (which was not allowed at the previous MRI). My technician ensured I was comfortable, complimented my hair, then told me to "have a nice trip" before starting the scans. She spoke to me constantly and before I knew it I was done and I was feeling pretty good about everything.
I then went to meet with my surgeon and he said he would have to fuse further than he originally thought and wanted another MRI of the thoracic spine. I had lightly prepared myself for this as I approached the appointment, I had heard of others being denied surgery and others receiving more surgery than expected. And as he asked what questions do you have for me, I went down my list that I had prepared and then ended with "I've found myself really emotional lately and crying more than usual" to which he said was perfectly normal.
After that I went to my appointment to be medically cleared, I had blood drawn and an EKG. When I met with the doctor he said something came up on my EKG...although the results weren't all the way in, it looked like that I might have had a heart attack in the past. I said how could I have had a heart attack in the past and not have repercussions from not receiving treatment for it and I've been under consistent medical care for at least the past 20 years. He said he doubted that I had a heart attack but ordered an echocardiogram for the next morning just in case. At that point I was done, my family was out having the best time ever on my daughter's birthday and I couldn't help but wonder with all of this if I would be there for the next birthday, or the birthday ten years from now. So as I waited for my anesthesia consult the tears would not stop, and I surrendered to being the weeping woman in the waiting room.
Thankfully my next appointment with the anesthesiologist distracted the tears for awhile. It is vital that individuals with dwarfism get an anesthesia consult, there are more risks if an individual has a shorter neck, sleep apnea or overweight. I had anesthesia at least once as a child and did not have any issues with it. The anesthesiologist assured me that they had lots of experience working with individuals with dwarfism.
I then went back to get the MRI of the thoracic done, and when the anxiety tried to start back up I thought of different friends in my life, how we met and how we then became friends. It did the trick - I was determined to get the MRI done in one take without tears.
I started my day at the hospital at 9 am and ended it at 6 pm, knowing I had to be back the next morning at 8 am. Even though I asked B to pick me up a sandwich in the morning, by the time I got to eat it at 6 pm it was hot and smashed. I was so sad, tired and hungry. I rallied everything I had to meet everyone at the theatre for the show and I am so glad I did. I got to see M sit in wonder at her first Broadway show, she heckled the bad guys and told me everything that was happening since she had already read the script.
As for the echocardiogram - I haven't heard anything and it has been a few days so I think it is safe to assume it came out normal. All of my labs came out normal and my lungs are clear and healthy.
The staff at the hospital are wonderful, through all of my tears and worries they provided comfort and encouragement, and they do that for every patient every day.
I was able to get to the appointments and back each day independently. I bought a small folding stool that I carried in my backpack to help me get in and out of taxis. Once I was in the taxi I was able to hook the stool with my cane and lift it up. I was quite pleased with myself.
My emotions are still running high...and that's ok.
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